Whatever

Note to self: You don't like texting. There are too many problems in communication.

My life is a spinning mix of situations and emotions. Ever wanted to tell someone something, but you couldn't? You are not alone in that situation. We seek to deliver happiness to others, even if it's at the expense of our own. I dare not venture into the minds of others and affect their decisions on personal matters. I just want them to know that they have my support even if they don't accept my objections.

During this past week, quite a few people were under the impression that my goal was to hurt them. They couldn't be farther from the truth. I pray that I never set out to hurt someone in my life, but I know that I haven't tried to separate relationships during this past week. If you understood how much I cherish your friendship, you would never accuse me of such a thing in the first place. It really bothers me when a person responds "Yeah, whatever" or "Go do whatever you want." I associate a negative stigmatization to the word "whatever." To me it means giving up on the conversation, or being mad, letting your anger be known to hurt the other person, and to avoid stating the reasons for your anger by hiding behind the word. When you say the word "whatever," you are hiding behind the word because when I ask if everything is ok, you answer with "fine" or "whatever" instead of stating what is on your mind. I am left wondering what the problem is and both sides remain in conflict. Note to you: Don't use the word "whatever" with me, or with anyone else for that matter.

I'm still in a mentally trying time in my life, this stagnance brings up unwelcome feelings, but I know that with my friends, with community, I will grow past this stage and become stronger than before. I really wish I could place my true thoughts in a more detailed and meaningful way into this blog, but I have been writing at very late times and I need to get some rest.
My weary heart remains restless in its loneliness.
Blood flows IN and OUT of it.
Sometimes I wish my heart would have the strength to hold more blood in.
But I know why it doesn't.