Save the Relationship, Save the World

I really admire people that are self-aware, and it will sound arrogant, but I feel like I'm one of these people. I believe that my self-awareness and knowledge of my actions help me become a better person. I know that saying certain things will bring about disastrous consequences, or that if I don't change my habits, then I could be pushing people away. I know that my actions have consequences, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I notice when I'm not taking something serious enough, or how my actions will influence those around me in a positive or negative way. I'm also aware of the direction my relationships are going in.

My relationship with God has been the greatest recently. A lot of this has to do with some of the habits I've developed and some of it has to do with adjusting o the new life that I'm living that looks much different than it did a year ago. A year ago, the problems started, but also a year ago is when Scuba and I grew closer than we ever have. Good and bad things have come from this; some people lead me closer to God, and some people lead me farther (and sometimes these people change roles), but I can't let the same people dictate a personal relationship I have with Him. If I let myself be influenced too much by the people around me, then I'll never make my own decisions.

Once I started making my own decisions though, my relationship with God went to its worst in years. I still pray every day, but sometimes it will be half-heartedly or a lie. I'll make promises that I know I won't keep or say I'm thankful for things but not show it.

This past week though something happened that helped me remember God's love. I was planning on going to Liwanag on Tuesday to talk with God, have a really serious conversation with Him during praise and worship, but He beat me to the punch. I got home early from school on Monday morning (class was canceled), and I decided to pick up my guitar and start playing it. I wanted to learn how to play a new song, so I looked up the chords for "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Calait. I learned the chords in under two hours, which was amazing for me because it had pretty much taken me an entire year to learn how to move my fingers on the chords. I began playing the song (not good by any means), but it really awakened something in me that I had the desire for for such a long time: the desire to create music. I had always wanted to play an instrument or be able to sing, but thus far and had not been able to do either. I prayed that night, and it hit me: God blessed me with another talent on Monday. Even though I have been acting indifferent to God, not giving back, being selfish, being hurtful to Him, He still gave me a gift, still showed me compassion and love. Wow. I was blown away. How could someone that I'm treating bad, treat me so good? As I'm writing this it brought up a memory of Rachel though. I decided Monday night that I'm going to try harder. I'm going to be thankful for my gifts and do my best not to let God down. I know I'm not going to be perfect, but if I don't even try I will never have HOPE. I used Tuesday to talk some more, and to reaffirm the previous night.

I'm going to do better.

On to other news, I'm going to England. I can't let others dictate my decisions. My parents are scared for me and rightfully so. As Quinn described it tonight "They're scared of what they don't know." I can't be mad at them, but I also can't let their fears influence me not to go (they really got me doubting last night, and it was making me very angry). The quote by Steve Jobs in Anna's blog really helped me out on this.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs

After talking to some friends and my professors, I'm back on track, only this time I think it's going to be a different date. I think I'm going to bring in the New Year in a new country and go to England on December 26th and come back after New Years. This will give me a full week, and there will definitely be a lot going on to experience. When people ask me why I'm going to England I tell them "for adventure." I'm going on an adventure, and Mark's coming too. We're gonna have a blast.

One last thing: I've been watching a lot of Heroes Season 1 this week. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way, but I think that I can really relate to Peter Petrelli. "Alone, I'm not really anybody," he says when describing his powers. My friends around me are my support. Without them I don't know what I would do, but I would still want to save the world. The words he says, and his ideas of being meant for something BIGGER are views that we both share. I really do hope I can "save" the world someday, or at least do something that will help it for the better.