Loner

Is it that surprising that I don't want to go do things alone? A very little known fact about me is that I spent half of my life as quite a loner. I played by myself, made up my own games, and didn't really know how to fit in with the "cool" crowd. When I went to junior high, I didn't know more than 4 kids, and didn't know how to reach out to the rest. One of the kids at work reminded me of this today when my boss said bye to one of the kids:

Boss: Catcha later guys.
Kids: Fa show, peace.
Nerdy Kid: Wow...that's how coooool people say goodbye.

You see, I see myself in that kid, only much less exaggerated. As a kid, all I wanted to do was be cool, have people like me, but I was usually by myself. Now as an "adult," people like me, I'm fun to be around, and I generally got high self-esteem. But when I have to go do things by myself (ie. shopping, driving long distances, going to amusement parks, or watching a movie in the movie theaters alone) it reminds me of a time when I had very low self-esteem. I got invited to go to Disneyland today, but I didn't go. It wasn't because I didn't want to go because I did, but it was because if I went, I'd be going by myself, driving by myself, going on the tram by myself, and just feeling very awkward alone searching for my friends. There are other reasons, but this was the main one. It reminds me of when I had very low self-esteem, and that's a feeling I try to avoid whenever possible. Like many people, I can be afraid of being alone, and just like the movie I saw with Scuba tonight said:

"Without people in our lives, we might as well be zombies."

I'm glad I got off my ass and hung out with Scuba tonight instead of spending it at home.