F and F

I want to blog.
I want to write about everything that's been going on lately.
I want to write my frustrations down.
My anger.
My pains.
I want to write about how everything's going great.
When it really isn't.
I want to write about how much I'm enjoying life.
How great school is.
How bored I am with it.
I want to write about how I want an internship.
But I don't know what.
Nor where to start.
That I'm too lazy.
I want to write about how lost I've been lately.
Lying to myself.
Pretending it's okay.
I want to take more risks.
Even if they're not good for me.
Even if they're the last thing I should be doing.
I want to love someone.
Something I haven't done in a long time.
I haven't opened myself up to anyone.
I want to meet new people.
But I'm afraid.
What if I don't like them.

Sometimes I'm so demanding. Sometimes I want things to be a certain way, when I know in my heart that they will never be that way. There are some things I have no control over, and I need to learn to live with that, but the things I do have control over, I need to fix. First things first, which I feel is what a lot of my other feelings are stemming from: my relationship with God. Ever since this catalystic event happened, I have felt abandoned, left alone. So I, in turn, decided to leave God alone. I would convince myself that everything is okay, but really it hasn't been. There's an open wound in my heart that hasn't fully healed. It's a scab that I keep picking at, an anger that I hold there instead of letting it go. I've felt this way one other time in my life, and it lasted for a good period of time with a lot of stress felt on my part, wanting, wishing that there was something I could do. The way I got over it was that I let go and let God. The problem is that I know the result of that, and if I'm going to do this, is that really what I want? Do I want to remove this thing that is drawing me further and further away from God, when at one point it was the main thing drawing me closer and closer to him. It's funny how things change.

What I need is a good conversation, a good time to vent, and also a good time to listen. There are two main ways that I experience God the most: through friends and music. Because I can't talk to my friends about this, I have to talk to God through music. I really hope we play some slow praise and worship on Tuesday (and start moving away from all the action songs). I'm in the mood for a good prayer.

Btw, I think I'm starting to lean towards St. Columban. It's not that I have anything against St. Polycarp; I just really like St. Columban's mass better because I don't fall asleep.