Steubenville 09 Trust and Loved

Back from Steubenville, it's 6:42, and you are loved.

After what felt like the shortest Steubenville ever will equivocate to my shortest Steubenville blog ever (that's not meant to be a bad thing). The best way I can describe this weekend is happiness or "marvelous." It seemed everywhere I turned there was a smile, or something that caused me to smile, or something that just seemed so marvelous. I use the word "marvelous" because it feels like this word just kept popping into my vocabulary all weekend. The lead singers of praise and worship for this conference were Jackie Franscios and Ike Ndolo (yes, I know, I think he has a *click* in his last name too =P) and a few of their songs had the word "marvelous" as the center of describing God's love. Last night when I was praying the liturgy of the hours, it was very ironic to come across the word "marvelous" in the prayer. God really does work in mysterious ways. I had a marvelous time, and with all things considered, I'm rather surprised. I came into this retreat not looking for something, but to be open to a new experience, and God didn't disappoint.

The retreat started so good for me. I felt trusted, I felt loved, I felt dependable, I felt excited, then I started feeling hurt, lost, and confused. Why was I there? What was I supposed to be thinking? How could this experience, with so many new faces I've never seen before, a new place I've never been before, help me? How could God and I get back together in such a foreign land as San Diego State University? I was not comfortable, yet little did I know how uncomfortable I really was. Finally, Steubenville started, and I was given a small dose of familiarity, something I was definitely comfortable with. Paul George took the stage as the MC for the weekend. There's something you need to know about Paul George and I: I consider him as the role model, the standard, the inspiration to be an MC for catholic youth events, especially retreats and concerts. I see him and all of his experience, and it motivates me to become better because I see how well he has mastered his vocation and how he can bring Christ to those around him through his words. I felt comfortable.

That night we had a mild Eucharistic Adoration. It wasn't very intense, and focused more on talking with God than "feeling" anything, which I felt was appropriate. I've learned (from experience) that putting too much emphasis on the "feeling" can lead you down some very unhealthy paths. *INSERT* My computer just crashed, yet Charmaine taught me this cool thing about "drafts" and I found everything that I had typed intact. I think God has my back in the computer world as well ;) *END INSERT* Anyway, I wasn't feeling anything, and was instead just TALKING to God. It felt very healthy, and I was praying to Him and asking why I was there. This led to me thinking about how different I am from the people around me. I started asking God, why am I so happy all the time? Why am I so enthusiastic? Why don't I have a sad story like the speakers? Why do you give me all these talents, and all this goodness without any explanation? Why don't you give these same gifts to all the people around me? I know it sounds weird, even egotistical, but I was being for real. Why did God love me so much and give me such good things? Was it my parents? Was it my situation? Was it because I loved God back? I honestly try to use all my talents (mostly for good things), and I think God sees that and feels generous enough to bless me with more (now I really think that sounds egotistical). I'm not saying that God doesn't do the same to others, but this is why it was bugging me so much: I was thinking "God, why me? What have I done to deserve this?" I often see so many people focusing on the negatives and blaming God for all the bad things in their lives, or asking God why these things happen, and here I am on the flip side of the coin asking God why he has given me so much blessings. It was really a surreal experience. I then moved on to thinking about the people in my life, the people who support me, the people who keep me up, and yet these are the very people that are falling around me. They are facing obstacles in their lives that are bringing them farther and farther from God, and I ask God why does he protect me from these very same obstacles. Am I really to be the last man standing when the dust clears? I thought of a good friend of mine who shared her pain with me and gave me her trust, and how I've never felt so trusted in my life. I thought of all the people falling down around me and imagined myself pulling them up, struggling, failing. Then it hit me: God has given me these talents for a reason. God has made his love so explicit, so blunt you might say, to me. He has left no doubt in my mind that he loves me. I thought of my "leadership" qualities I've been told I have in my life, and how it all adds up to this one image: myself standing up, helping my friends and those around me, trying to be the best role model I could possibly be. I guess I'm just trying to be like my favorite superhero Jesus. I would feel awkward writing this because it sounds arrogant if it's taken out of context, but let me explain. The next day, Chris Padgett read a poem that said something along the lines that God has made us all special, all different, all beautiful, yet we feel that we need to hide these gifts so as not to make the people around us feel insignificant or like they don't have these very virtues. The thing is that if everyone understood how great they were, how virtuous they are, the world would EXPLODE; it would explode with love. Like the Gospel says, I man gave his 3 servants talents: one servant he gave 5 talents, who used all 5 of his talents and earned 5 more. The second servant received 3 talents, and he used all his talents to receive 3 more. The third servant received one talent. He went out to the field and buried his talent so that it would remain the same as when his master had given it to him. When he returned, he told his master that he still had his talent intact. His master said to him, you fool, I give you a talent and you waste it. Then he took all his talents away (I paraphrased Jesus' parable btw =P). I feel like if I don't use my talents, I will lose them, and if I use them for God, there can be no greater reward than eternity, and that's something I learned Friday night. I vowed to be there for the people around me, that all they need to do is ask, and I will help them in any way that I can. I will be a rock for my neighbor as I try with all my might to get closer to the true steadfast point in my life, Jesus. I ended the night praying for motivation to be better; to actually do the things I know I could do; to use my talents. I thanked God for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I remember praying, and naming every single one of my friends and immediate family members by name, and praying for each and every one of them. End Friday.

Saturday, everything is hecka outta wack. I didn't care for the Men's session too much, mostly cause I was super tired and we were sitting on a hard gym floor (who thought up this horrible spot?). Things bother me throughout the day, mainly the logistics of the Steubenville team's poor planning, but then again, it might just be the location in which we were at (they did the best they could with what they've got), but I still think it could have been done better. I'm thinking the whole day, man this is not flowing for me. Everything seems forced. Even last night felt awkward. This year's Steubenville felt like I had to work a lot harder at it to get lesser received. My highlight of the first half of the day had to be Mass. Fr. John Amsberry is a G'. He had a cool homily (which related nothing to the Gospel btw) filled with rap, singing, and dancing. "It saul good in the hood, all sweet on the street, and all fine on the vine." Wow. No joke, he literally rapped the thing, Mama Kirs has proof!

The rest of the day went "aight." I just wasn't feeling it, and even though I had somewhat of an awkward positive experience my first night, I still didn't know WHY I was at Steubenville this year. It wasn't until during the middle of the Saturday night talk leading up to Eucharistic Adoration that I finally started getting ready for Jesus, and I MISSED most of the talk too! Here's what got me:
I had to go to the bathroom! More specifically numero dos. This happened last year during the exact same talk too! I didn't know how much time I had when I rushed to the bathroom during praise and worship, but I knew I was going to have to go quick. Have you ever had it where you can't go quick no matter how hard you try? It was one of those =/ So I'm sitting there, missing out on my favorite prayer to God (music) thinking, God how am I going to prepare myself for you? I looked at my iPod Touch, which I brought with me to take notes, shrugged, then put on The Stand by Hillsong (one of my favorite songs) and started playing it in the bathroom. I didn't care. I didn't mind sharing such a great song with all the other gentlemen using the restroom. I started calming down, stopped stressing, and got back in just as praise and worship was ending. During Chris' talk, another distraction came up. I had a feeling that my hearing aid batteries would be dying soon, and I would not get another chance to get a new pair, so I rushed to my car (far away) and ran back. I was now sweaty, tired, and distracted, but I was still in anticipation mode. Little did I know what God would have planned for me.

Then the retreat started for me. Boom! No joke, Ike and Jackie started playing The Stand (no way!). Not only did they play my favorite praise and worship song, they did something I had always wanted to see done with the song: they extended the chorus, repeating it over and over, building with intensity each time. When I first heard this song, I thought of how much better it could be if they just played the chorus 2 or 3 times more. God answered my prayer and gave me the song I was looking for, the loving experience I needed to break free from my distractions. Eucharistic Adoration was amazing. During my time with Jesus, I learned how blessed I am and that God answers all prayers. You may not see it at first, it might be an okay, no, or a wait, but there is always an answer, and God has definitely answered mine. Last year I asked God for strength and wisdom (Steubenville 08) to be a good leader, and to be there for all the new Guiding Light members experience this kind of retreat for the first time. I asked God to help me know what to do, and be strong enough to do it, and it was one of the greatest experiences ever (read about it). Little did I realize that this has been THE BEST year of my life. It has been filled with so much joy, so much happiness, and so much fun that all stems from the strength that I asked God for the year before. It wasn't a selfish request, which is why I believe it has brought me so much happiness. The year before on my very first Steubenville (Steubenville 07), I asked God to send the Holy Spirit into my life to be His hands and feet. I told God I was ready to answer His call to wherever it might be, and it led me on the most exciting, loving journey I've ever been a part of. Now here I am, Steubenville 09, sitting there staring at the Blessed Sacrament wondering what I will pray for. What will I ask of God this time, knowing that whatever He gives me I will try my best to give back? There's many things I prayed for, but most specifically I prayed to continue the strength that the Lord has given me, to bless me with the gift of understanding because it is something that I definitely need if I am to continue growing in my faith, and for motivation. I prayed for the motivation to get off my ass and get things done. I prayed for the motivation to not quit when things look tough. And I prayed to be able to share this love, and to focus it, and to grow with it and to find someone to support me in it. Whether it be God, parent, friend, sister, priest or girlfriend, I need to be able to share this love with someone and not keep it bottled inside. I need to share this love with someone and not run out to the fields and bury it. I spent the rest of the night praying for all of my friends sitting next to me, and all the struggles that they go through. I prayed to God to guide them through their times of pain as well as love.

Then something unexpected happened, and I made a promise.

I don't make very many promises, but when I do, and especially when I say it out loud, I fully intend to keep them. I return trust with all the love in my heart, and I prayed over my friend, as hard as I've ever prayed before. I prayed for myself to be strong for her, and I prayed to God to give her strength, hell, even to take my strength from me and give it to her instead. I know what it's like to go through obstacles alone, and if there's anything that I learned is that it's much easier to carry your cross when you have to support and love from the people around you, all you need to do is accept it. I know that I will never forget this moment, or my PROMISE to ALWAYS be there for her. The experience was filled with overwhelming love and rivaled one of the greatest moments of my life, which I shared with Mike, and I'm glad to have shared it with Jem.

I spent most of Eucharistic Adoration laughing, smiling, and thanking God for all that he's given me. The night really was marvelous and joyous. The best way I can describe it is when you receive a present from your mom, dad, best friend, whoever, and it's the best present ever, the one you have always wanted. You're speechless, you can't even say "thank you." All you can do is smile, the biggest smile you've ever had in your life, and you're speechless, yet so so so so happy. Christ gave me a gift, happiness, which put the biggest smile I've ever had in my life on my face.

That night I went to Reconciliation, after being on a MISSION to go all day. I was the absolute LAST person who got let in, all my patience paid off, and it ended up being the most helpful experience of the entire weekend. I told the priest that I haven't been on fire for a long time, that I just haven't been feeling it. He told me that it was okay. He told me that you can't be on fire all the time or you'd burn out. He compared our spirituality to the liturgical season where we have different colors to represent different times: white represents Easter and Christmas (or the times when we're on fire), Red represents Pentecost (or the times when we're celebrating), Purple represents Advent or Lent (or when we're suffering), but the most important color is Green, which represents Ordinary Time. Ordinary Time is the longest time (as Mike likes to call it "counting time") when we're anticipating the coming of Christ and all the other special events. The thing about Ordinary Time is that it's regular, and it's okay to be regular, it's okay if you're not "on fire," it's healthy. He told me that I need to be okay with myself, and not be so rigid with my spirituality. He compared it to a thermometer: some days you're hot, some days you're cool, some days you're cold, and some days you're unbearably hot. He told me that we need to experience the cold days to appreciate the hot ones. What I got most out of talking with the priest was that I need to be okay with myself. I haven't been okay with myself for a long time, constantly trying to change or be better because I'm not okay with myself...until now. Thank you God for sending me this priest, and thank you for making me who I am. If you're okay with me, then I'm okay with me =)

Sunday session ended with a great mass. Go green, think blue, but Above All go Christ. It was inspiring to see Duke step up and be open to the call of priesthood. He showed so much courage and I'm proud of him. We left Steubenville and got carne asad fries from Lolitas. I unexpectedly was taking Sean home too (Mike didn't tell me that I was driving anyone but Jem until we were leaving to Viejas Arena that morning), so the drive back was a lot different from the drive up. There was less sharing, and when Jem fell asleep I felt kinda awkward. Sean and I didn't really know what to talk about, and we were stuck in traffic. I was thinking great, I'm probably going to fall asleep on the wheel. I started to get a little angry, but then I realized that I had asked for understanding, and that I should be understanding in this situation. God threw me a curveball to see how I would respond, and I remembered that my plans mean nothing when God has his own plans. I dropped off Jem then Sean and I drove the 30 minute drive home from Irvine. The whole drive we were talking about Stage Production and how much we loved it and how much we missed it. He told me something that brought me to the brink of tears, and I knew that was the reason God had put him in the car with me. He told me that he saw my performance during the Odd Couple and thought I did AMAZING. Not good, not entertaining, but AMAZING. I held back tears and thanked Sean. Just before I dropped him off at his house, I told him about my favorite memory of him, last summer's GL retreat. He and Paula were leaders together, and he did an EXCELLENT job. Their family was so into the retreat and they were always spirited and always sharing, and I know that it was definitely because of great leadership. I told Sean, and I know that we were both happy after this long drive.

God comes to us in mysterious ways. He comes to us through car rides, through traffic, through tears, through hugs, through rap, through song, through love, through awkward car rides, through little old ladies, through your brothers and sisters, through those different from you, through the Eucharist, and anything else you could ever imagine. This weekend was filled with joy, with happiness, with tears, with trust, with love, and I thank Lynda, Paula, Rogue, Duke, Deacon Ramiro, Ramiro, Mama Kirs, Sean, and especially Mike and Jem for sharing this AMAZING AWESOME MARVELOUS experience with me. I can honestly say that Mike is my brother for eternity and that there's something that runs deeper than blood between us. Words cannot say how much I love him and thank him, and how much we've grown together the past 4 years.

We serve a God of new beginnings. This is a new beginning. It's 9:30...and YOU ARE LOVED.