Genuine (2009)

"You should really stick around. The next activity is worth it."

There are so many thoughts racing through my head right now. I just woke up after only 5-6 hours of sleep. I know that was normal two weeks ago when I was in school, but not when I'm on summer and getting home at 5am. I look back on last night, and I know that it was worth it. God has blessed me in so many ways and one of the biggest things he has done for me is putting all these wonderful Liwanag friends in my life. The irony of the activity is that a few weeks ago I was just thinking about how much I wanted to have one-on-one conversations with so many people because getting to know people with just the two of you, I feel, is so much more powerful than hanging out as a group. I think this may be a reason why praying is so powerful: for the most part, people can't hear your real one-on-one conversation with God, and you're strengthening a relationship that means enough to you to talk to Him by yourself. I got to talk with so many people I've missed or haven't gotten to know as well these past two years. I got to talk to people who've inspired me to become a bigger part of Liwanag. I got to share my deep feelings with some of my closest friends whose relationships grow stronger with each spoken word, each moment of time spent together.

The word that I will never leave my mind after last night is the word "genuine..." This word affects me so much, especially if you've read my earlier blogs or my "about me" here. Genuine is one of my favorite words, and there's really only one way you can use it: to mean "real" "legit" "giving everything and not holding anything back." Talking with my friends, they affirmed me how genuine of a person I am, and it wasn't just like one or two people that told me this, it was like 6 or 7! This just means so so so much to me. A year ago, I made it my passion to love unconditionally, to be accepting of others different from me, and to be the most genuine person anyone could ever know. You can't fake genuine, and that's why I like it so much.

Out of the respect to my friends and sharing with each other I don't really want to post our conversations here, but at the same time I don't want these conversations to ever be forgotten, and I use this blog as a reminder to myself how good I've got it. Anna said last night that she went back to her blogs from her first year of college and read them to help her talk last night and to see what kind of person she was four years ago. That is something that I will be doing, granted it's going to be a shitload of reading, but I know it will be worth it. Here's hoping Google never shuts down and deletes its Blogspot pages ::knocks on wood::. Last night I discovered something new about how I came to start blogging. At first I would associate Nez as the sole reason I started blogging. After reading her blogs and how real she was in them, she inspired me to be like her and write my own thoughts down. Without ever talking about it though, she also inspired me to have my own voice instead of copying her style. I guess she inspired something unique about me. There was also one other person who inspired me to start blogging, and another who inspired me to keep blogging. Charmaine was one of those people. Before I got a Blogspot, I was trying to create a "multiply" and make it look like Nez's collage that she had in the background of her blog. Then out of nowhere Charmaine sends me this extended hand of friendship, welcoming me to be part of something I've never known about. It was a blog she created called "Scribbles on Asphalt." I know we were friends before this, but this was like what solidified it (I imagine, but I've still got to do some searching my memories). Scribbles was this "poem, artwork, anything you want" kind of blog for members of Liwanag to post stuff and let each other enjoy. After becoming part of this blog, I branched off using blogger, and created my own. It has been one of the greatest things I've done, and I now know that Charmaine was one of those people who helped me get there. Another person who inspired me to keep blogging was Amy. She's a Guiding Light member who found out I had a blogspot. She IMed me online telling me how much she liked my blogs. I was taken aback at first because I knew of only 3 or 4 people that read my blog and here she was, someone I didn't know quite too well reading my blogs and enjoying them. She told me she ended up reading all 50 of them at the time in like 40 minutes. I almost crapped my pants (wow that's good reading). Ever since then, I've known that my blogs can be an inside to my life as well as a way to bring positivity and "genuinity" to others.

There were a couple of people I didn't get to affirm last night. One of them was Kirsten. Kirsten has no idea, but she ended up being a big reason I started coming to Liwanag, and more importantly she helped me enjoy being there. When I first came to Liwanag, it was a weird feeling. I saw people praying, crying, and singing songs I've never heard of. I honestly thought it was some kind of cult. As I started coming more, I started appreciating how beautiful the music was, how talented the singers and instrumentalists were at what they did, and I was just in awe because I had never really seen people my age be so good at doing things like that. Kirsten was a big part of Music Ministry the last three years I've gone to Liwanag. Her voice is just so beautiful that it really makes singing God's praise so enjoyable, and I've never really got to thank her for that. I'm pretty sure it was MM who said it last night about how she likes how Kirsten goes up there and does her own thing, and it's really a great tallent to have. If you know me well, you know that I experience God most through music, and I see Christ in Kirsten. I just wanted to say thank you Mamma Kirs.

Another person I wanted to affirm, but didn't really get a chance to because it was like FOUR IN THE MORNING was Nez. I've kinda affirmed her earlier in this blog, but she's one of those people that I'm really cool with, and I want to get to know her better on a more personal level. I know we've both been hecka busy this semester, but I know we'll make time to hang this summer. I'll never forget how she stayed back to wait for me and rode with me to and from summer retreat (that was what really made me feel accepted into the whole Liwanag experience).

Mark is one of those people that I really look up to. We decided that we never stop learning, and that we can learn so much from each other. I always like the quotes Mark has to say because he's such a deep person, which is why I think we get along so well. We're both chill and deep. His words of advice were "Think of something you want to do, but are too afraid to do, and just do it." Let's make as much mistakes as we can because we learn more from the mistakes than the successes. "you're only something once, whether it be 18, 19, 20, 21, 21 again, you only get to do it once, but if you do it right, once is all you need." Mark and I are gonna be making some films this summer, and I know he's going to motivate me to step up my game and take it to the next level.

I was glad Ace and I got to talk. We're definitely going to be good friends going through this life that we live in. We're both so busy yet we find time for each other. That's a rare quality. Instead of giving up, we keep going, and we're definitely going to PLAN something SPONTANEOUS soon =P

People like Charmaine and Jem really help me on this road of life this past year with their trust in me. I knew that I could not leave last night until I talked to them. I was so glad I did, and I know these relationships will last a long time, and I'm starting to lose my fear in myself because of them and people like them. They may not see how much they affect me, but I know. I'm so glad I've gotten to know Charmaine this past year and to see how much I've inspired her. Jem and I had a very unique start to our relationship, but it's grown into something so good this year. I'm going to make sure I don't stop inviting her to hangouts.

I wish I could affirm everyone and how much they mean to me. Liwanag has become a home, a family, a group of people I care about even if I don't know all of them. Jared's speech was a real truthful testimony last night that really reflected reality, and I really enjoyed it, but there were some things that I just couldn't agree with. As a lot of people I talked to last night know that I'm all about creating memories, about creating as much memories as I can until I'm no longer able to create any more. If there's the chance that I can still have so many good memories with the people around me, I don't feel like leaving them at our highest point of love is an acceptable thing to do. All the painful memories during that time are outweighed by the great memories we share, but even more importantly, I believe that the painful memories are essential for the good to come. Like Mark said, we learn more from our mistakes, we also grow much closer helping each other through the pains.

I ran out of time. It's worktime and I need to shower and eat, but I want to end with this. I may be hearing impaired, but I'm glad I'm not blind. That's not a knock on people with glasses, but it is a testimony on how important our eyes are. God gave us eyes (and the other senses) to really enjoy the beauty of the world around us, and it makes me so thankful.

Con't.

It was great to talk to a lot of the "older" Liwanag members and graduating class. I put "older" members because, even though I joke around with them about being older, there isn't too much of an age separation between us. They can be more mentor than friends sometimes or vice versa. Three people that really stood out to me this year that are graduating are Anna, Abby, and Bellamay. I can't remember a meeting when I didn't talk to them at least once, and it's going to be such a different feeling when they're not there next year. Abby always warmed me with her smile, and apparently I helped bring that smile to her face with my undying energy. Bellamay was my family leader for two years in a row, and was pretty much the face of Liwanag for me because she was someone that was always there, listening as a leader or serving as Core. My favorite memories of Anna would have to be watching how strong she's become. She really BECAME the leader of Liwanag and led it to where it's at this year. I'll remember her stepping it up and continuing the retreat during Winter Quarter, and I'll remember her playing Mamma Mary right beside me as St. John during the Why Skit. It's really been a great year, and these three people have always had time, a smile, and good words to say to me. I was also really glad I got to affirm Chris and Victor. They are alumni yet they are still here, helping us out on our journey, extending the hand to hangout. Chris and Victor share something that I really love about them. They capture the memories. Some things I would have forgotten about had Chris or Victor not been there to take a picture that captures the memory. I'm glad that guys like Chris and Julian opened my eyes to the friendships you can have outside of Liwanag meetings, and I'm glad I'm getting to know Victor better because he's a cool dude.

A lot of people told me how they like how positive and dedicated I am, and that they know how hard it must be. To be honest, the love, compassion, words, trust, and friendship that everyone shows me makes it so easy to be positive; they make it so easy to be dedicated because it's a joy being there all the time (speaking of joy, I miss Joyce. I hope she comes around soon). It's not hard for me to be a servant here because I have so much love to draw from. A good friend told me that she felt I was the perfect example of a servant-leader, because I could both serve and lead, and she felt a lot of people can't balance that. I've always been about balance, and I know that we can't do too much or we'll burn ourselves out. I once compared God's love to the Colorado River.

God (the Rockies) melts into our lives and his love flows through us (the river bed). We may be rough, but over time His love creates a habitat of life through us (with fish, birds, bugs, and vacationers). Our lives are so full until we reach the end of the river (drying up somewhere around Baja/Mexico). If we don't have enough love (water) flowing through us, we don't make it all the way to the great community (the Pacific Ocean). During droughts, we need a constant stream of love supplementing the original stream of love we received from God. We get these supplementary streams of love through our communities (dams, and rainwater) that love us back. They may be "paying it forward" but that doesn't mean their love is not genuine. With these extra streams of love, we avoid being burnt out. We avoid "running out" of love.

When I apply this concept to the friends I have in my life, especially with Liwanag, my banks are OVERFLOWING with water. Not only are these people helping me reach the Pacific, but they are helping me water the crops, feed the animals, hydrate the earth, and everything in between. Thank you guys for being my water.

I know that for the next few years, this time is going to be a hard time. Lots of goodbyes, see you laters, I love yous, and most unfortunately "I would have like to have known you betters." I would have liked to have known everyone better, but that's unrealistic. What is realistic though is to create the great, lasting memories that are unforgettable. Create the memories that are so good that when people talk about what happened that time, no one can mess up the details because the memory was just THAT DAMN GOOD =)

There's this song that ended up popping into my brain the second I woke up this morning. I've been playing it all day trying to make sense of why this song was in my head considering I can't remember the last time I heard it played. Then it clicked. I'm going to miss people, and this song defines that, even though some of the people I will miss the most are people I didn't even know too well.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind.
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in.
I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid.
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did.

I want to learn to play the guitar or piano, and play this song and record it. That would be my gift to you, graduating class of 09, 2010, and 2011...I'll try to keep it within my talents though unless someone wants to take the time to teach me these instruments =) I've got a project I'll be working on that I'll send to you guys. Here's hoping I can make it almost as good as Bellamay's slide show.

I would like to end this blog the same way we end every Liwanag meeting with three very special words that we say really loud. These words are "We love Jesus." I always find this ironic because I believe that as we are saying these words, Jesus is saying three words back to us also. The three words He is telling us are three of the most important words we will ever hear in our lives. I want to direct these words to whoever is reading this blog, wherever, whenever it is being read. These words are

"I LOVE YOU."