Hollow Struggle

My dog, Corky, has been suffering for well over a year now. He has arthritis in pretty much every muscle in his body, he's deaf and going blind, and he can't even get up on his own now. It's sad to watch him like this, howling and moaning, but to know that we're still there for him and helping him and spending time with him makes it all worthwhile. Right? I'm not so sure. On one hand, I hate the idea of taking Corky's life from him without knowing if that's what he wants. Even if I knew that is what he wants, I would still have a hard time doing it because I believe everyone should have the right to life, even if they forsake it. It's a struggle and an issue of love and morality. I don't know what is going to happen, but I do know that something will happen. My sister is the biggest advocate in making sure that Corky doesn't get "put to sleep." Unfortunately, she is the one who takes the least responsibility in the whole situation (I would probably be the second to last). She doesn't walk him, feed him, clean him, and rarely spends time with him, yet she constantly tells the people taking care of him (mainly my mom) that it would be wrong to get rid of him. I just wish she would actually show how much she cares instead of just call my dad a dog killer (not that she has called him that). Either way, there are sad times in the horizon.

I'm starting to realize that there's not a whole lot going up in here. I actually haven't felt truly happy in a couple of months. I also have not had any deep, critical, or emotional thoughts recently. I don't think about what I'm doing right. I don't think about what I'm doing wrong. I don't think about love. I don't think about God. I don't even think to write in this blog anymore. Is there something wrong with me? Is this a dry spell? Am I changing? All I know is that I was happiest with my friends and faith in my life, and it seems to me that I am slowly drifting away from both. The ones that brought me closest to God are no longer around, or make it hard for me make the effort to contact them, and I'm am not currently getting my outlet to God through Liwanag.

I love Liwanag, and I love the people in it, and until recently, it had been one of my strongest source of prayer. Liwanag and mass combined constituted as the only times in the week where I would refocus myself, correct what I'm doing wrong, and thank God for everything in my life. Right now, however, I'm definitely not focused. Right now, Liwanag is a joke to me. The community aspect that I once felt was the driving force that brought people to God has seem to become overwhelming to me with too much focus on social hanging out than getting closer to each other by growing in the direction of God. Quite honestly, it feels like it's turning into Kababayan. Yes, I do not know anything about Kaba, but I have heard enough to know that it's a very social club, filled with hanging out, partying, events, practices, and I'm sure they have "hour-long announcement time" there too (because apparently all the Kaba announcements also get made at Liwanag). I ask some of my friends that are in music ministry if they want to hang out, but they usually say that they're practicing or something, then I come to praise and worship, and it's the same 5 or 6 action songs we've been singing the whole year. What exactly are they practicing? Now this is just me ranting, I don't know anything that's going on behind the scenes, and maybe I'm being overly critical, but I feel like Liwanag has lost its sense of spiritual direction. I really considered quitting Liwanag after all of those BeneCon practices. As of right now, I'm not getting anything out of it other than just hanging out with some of my best friends.