In Need of Happy

I should be asleep right now but...

"Let me tell you something kid, everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either 'cause they're too scared, or because they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes. This is your big chance, and you shouldn't let it go by..

Remember, kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong."

For some reason this quote came to my head right before I was about to sleep. I have no clue what caused it, but it led me to blog.

I haven't blogged too much lately, or at least I feel like I haven't blogged too much. Part of that is just being so busy lately and coming home late or having class early in the morning the next day. I really don't like to blog when I'm tired, but I especially don't like to blog when I'm mad or sad. Well I'm not mad right now, but then again, I'm not happy either. I don't feel sad, and I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions. I guess I feel like I'm looking for something deeper, but I'm just not getting it. I'm looking for something to jar me, to wake me up, to stimulate me, but it's not happenin. I was talking with a friend awhile back, and she told me that she was in the need for a good cry. I said sometimes we feel like we need to cry, but are we looking to cry for the sake of crying, or is there something really emotional weighing down on us. I guess I'm starting to see why she said she's in the need for a cry, but in my own personal reasons. I'm hardening up again. Not letting people in, which is scaring me because I haven't done something like that in years (I want to say 5). I'm scared where this may lead me. I'm scared of acknowledging it. I'm scared of convincing myself that it's nothing. I'm scared that it might turn me from God. I'm scared of becoming indifferent. I'm scared of not having someone to talk to, and I'm scared of what I'm supposed to do.

Do you ever think about what God wants you to do? I don't. I think about what God would like me to do with the gifts he has given me, but I'm selfish. I want something that's good for me as well as others. In the reading this past Sunday it said: Show me your faith without works, and I'll let my works demonstrate my faith. I need to do something, but I want to do something great, because I might only get one chance, but I'm scared, or I don't know if I'll recognize it.

Father John Francis said in his homily yesterday that crying makes yourself vulnerable to the people around you. Lately, I've been a tank. I've been having fun bulldozing over everything, but now I'm starting to feel too tough and alone. I'm in the need for some deep conversations that stimulate the heart and mind. The retreat was a blast, but there was one thing I personally was lacking in, and that was more conversation/share-time. I tried to get to know everyone better by asking the question "What's one thing I don't know about you?" but they never really ended up in deep conversations. It was Saturday night after P&W that I really wanted to just share, but there wasn't really an option. I was a little bummed about that.

I'm gonna finish this before it gets even more emo. I had three really great compliments in the last 3 days that really touched my heart. The first one was Ram complimenting the Mafia in the game we were playing. I was part of the Mafia and Ram said, Man, the Mafia must be really good or we wouldn't be sweating this much about it." That meant a lot to me in a game that I really try to do good on =)
The second compliment was from Kris with a K during affirmations when he told me that I made the retreat for him. I wasn't expecting him to affirm me, but to know I have that kind of impact on people by just being myself means a LOT to me.
The last compliment I received was today at work. I ran an activity called Indiana Jones which was a mix of dodgeball and an obstacle course. A couple of the kids came up to me after the game and told me that was the funnest game they've ever played. That meant the WORLD to me! I helped create a game that would really stand out to the kids and be a lot of fun, and they told me their appreciation. Sometimes I feel so grateful to work with kids.